


Gently as She Goes

by Jennipher13



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, First fic to get past the first chapter, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Music, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant, References to Depression, Romance, Self-Harm, Singing, Slow Burn, Suicide, Trigger Warnings, not sure what else to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:33:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9822827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jennipher13/pseuds/Jennipher13
Summary: 2 years since the accident and nothing has changed... I find myself in this mundane routine, letting darkness envelop my dreams to help me hide from the cruel reality I still couldn't face.Jenn, the once vibrant young lady with hopes and dreams, now finds herself ensnared by crippling anxiety and depression. Nothing had changed in 2 years until an old friend comes to call with a personal emergency, and Jenn is her last resort. Begrudgingly she agrees to help, but during her journey she finds herself stranded in snow and nothing but 2 bright headlights rapily heading her way.When Jenn wakes up, she realizes that this just cant be an accident as she is now surrounded by snowy mountains and is confronted by a group of strangers that seem familiar.But this is just all in my head, right?





	1. My Emptiness, My Sanctuary

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with the idea for this fic a long, long time ago when DAI first came out. I had come up with a plot and wrote the first chapter long before the release of trespasser. I hadn't posted it, for fear of harsh criticism, but now that I actually have a few chapters done, and I found my plot notes after losing them >.< I hope you enjoy, any help is wonderfully appreciated, I'll have a YouTube playlist for songs up soon!

I was having the same dream again, the only one that I have anymore. Although it wasn't exactly a dream, but I couldn't call it a nightmare either. The only word to describe it would be nothingness, open your eyes and see nothing but blackness. Listen only to hear nothing, not even your own heart beat. It was here in this empty dream, void of light and feeling, that I spent every moment that I didn't have obligations to keep. It was here that I would spend my hours, singing softly to myself, songs of sadness and pain. I enjoyed letting my voice echo through the abyss, playing with the pitch. The empty space caused such an ethereal sound, some days it would almost make me smile with its beautiful reverberations. But almost would never come.

Today I was humming the tune of an old folk band my parents had taken me to see once, when I was much younger. I could almost hear the weeping violin seep from my mind and into the emptiness as I hummed along.

If only this was real, if only I never had to wake up... The though causing me to strain again the tears that I were coming, pushing ever to the surface, never spilling. This has been my one wish over these past 2 years, for eternal peace. Even though I could not see them, I folded myself up again my knees and with a groan, laid my head down in defeat. 

Without any notice, my silent refuge was interrupted by the sound of my alarm and I knew it was time to face reality. I lifted my head slowly, and opened my eyes to get one last glimpse of my dark haven, waiting for my body to respond to the insistent alarm. Just as the blackness of the void had started to lighten and take on colours I noticed movement from the corner of my eye, a slight warping of the darkness that seemed to almost smudge against the rest of the void. Regrettably by the time it had registered with my brain that something was amiss, I was already back to the waking world, staring at the slightly water stained stucco ceiling above my bed.

Without even looking my hand flew to my alarm, silencing it. Expelling another heavy sigh I sat up in my bed, not looking forward to start another mundane day.

~*~

"Thank you for calli...." I had started before being interrupted by the person on the other line. "What the fuck is wrong with your company? You enjoy stealing my money? I put it in the ticket machine and it didn't give me my fucking ticket! What are you going to fucking do about that?" I sighed mentally, and continued on to inform this person that I can give the office a message to refund her on Monday when they were open again. This as per usual wasn't good enough, she wanted her money now. I remained silent, face unchanging as she continued to vent her frustrations over her lost $2.25.

Working at an an answering service was never easy, but it wasn't exactly hard either. Just emotionally strenuous, taking the calls for businesses when they are closed and send them faxes of their messages when they are open again. I worked alone on midnights and the calls at this time were few and far between, but when they did call, 8 times out of 10 it would be to yell at me, call me names and generally vent their anger over the injustices over mundane problems. Once an old man told me I was what was wrong with this country because the dryer in his apartment building didn't dry his clothes all the way, I had hear it all. Not that I blame them, I was once that way myself. But after the accident, I just couldn't be bothered to care.

Once I was able to get the ladies information, and the slam of the phone from her end had announced the end of the call, I let out an irritated sigh.

"Don't let it get to you Jenn, they don't know you, you'll never meet them..." I repeated my mantra to myself leaning back in my chair at my desk. A ding from my computer informs me that another call has come in. Another 4 hours and I could log off and go back to sleep, retreat to my sanctuary of silence. The best part of working from home is that I could do just that. Slip out of my office and into my bedroom, rinse and repeat. My house was not very large, 2 bedroom with a kitchen, living room and office, although the kitchen rarely got any use, and the living room even less. The rooms were all barren, no furniture, no paintings, no nick-nacks collecting dust. Just emptiness like my void. The only rooms containing anything being my bedroom, office and that room, there wasn't a need for anything else anymore.

When my shift was over, I turned off the work computer I was given and let out a stress releasing sigh. Another day done and over with, placing my headset on the desk I walk out into the hall. Taking a brief look into the kitchen and trying to remember the last time I ate anything. I'll just eat when I get up. With a sigh of irritation and frustration over the matter, I walk into my bedroom and slide underneath the tangle of blankets and covers. Reaching over I turned on my playlist on my phone, listening to Simon and Garfunkle sing about the sounds of silence. Slowly I closed my eyes, revelling in the fact that I had the next 2 days off and I could be left alone in my darkness.

"Hello darkness my old friend...."

I couldn't think of a sing more fitting, was my last conscious thought before the abyss takes me.

~*~

A while later I hear another alarm on my phone go off. Pulling myself from my personal oblivion I reach for my iPhone. After looking at the date and time I still had another day to go on my weekend, it was just my alarm to remind me to take my medication and put some sustenance in my body. As if on auto-pilot I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge, and after inspecting its still empty shelves I close the door and open the freezer to grab a frozen dinner and throw it unceremoniously into the microwave. 

As it rotates on the glass plate inside I head for my bathroom for my pills. The faux marble sink counter is covered in orange-yellow bottles with tight white lids. Filled with varying medications of different shapes, colours and sizes. I find the 3 I need to take today and pop them in my mouth, bedding over to wash them down with water straight from the tap. When I lift my head and wipe my mouth on the back of my hand, I finally take note of my reflection in my mirror. The person who stares back now is a stranger to the once vibrant self. My once bright blue eyes, full of love and stubbornness are dull and grey, emotionless. Sunken purple bags under my eyes are accentuated by my ashy, white sickly skin. My once proud mane of blue and purple dyed hair, lies lifeless down my boney shoulders, bright neons faded to sad pastels, with about 10 inches of new blonde growth. But the most shocking thing was my body.

At one point in my life I had been a bigger girl. Not huge by any stretch of the imagination, but I had curves once. A rounder face, strong thick legs from my days of biking and hiking, arms once lean and strong. What stares back is barely a skeleton of the woman I once was, almost literally. The last time I had seen my doctor he had warned me about losing any more weight. I had been borderline anorexic then, and that was 6 months ago. 

I have lost more weight since then.

The beeping from the microwave brings me back to myself, and with one last remorseful look into the mirror I head into the kitchen to grab my "meal" and head to my room. Sitting on my bed, back up against the wall, I stir up the grossly thick mac-n-cheese and take a bite, forcing myself to swallow, feeling sickness in my stomach soon after. After about 4 more laboured bites I can't bring myself to eat anymore without risk of throwing up and I toss the cardboard tray onto my nightstand. Stacking it with 2 others that have been there for some time, how long I can't really say.

I roll back into my rut on my bed, turn on my music again, ensuring my alarm is set, I fall back asleep. Dying for the comfort that the darkness brings, hoping to escape this mundane reality for a little longer.


	2. An Unwelcome Obligation

I had been in the black dream space for some time now. Singing a song from my childhood that had stuck with me through the years. 

'If heaven and hell decide, that they both are satisfied, illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs. When there's no one beside you when your soul embarks.....'

I was interrupted by soft sound, off slightly to my left, one that I would have failed to notice if it hadn't been between breaths.

"Hello?" I call out softly and paused looking in the direction that the noise had originated from. Although this being far from helpful, as the darkness of my void kept me from seeing anything, even if it was there.

After listening and looking around for some time, I realize the sound was probably just in my head. Or a noise from outside snaking its way into the solitude of my space. With the spot in the song I had stopped at long forgotten, I start singing another tune. I force the piano intro to: Say something by a Great Big World, into the emptiness. Singing the somber melody as the piano accompanied me. Letting every note hang, and as the song came to a close, I let out another sigh. My alarm would be coming on soon....

"Always such sadness..." A soft masculine voice replied from the darkness.

I physically jump at the intruders words.

"Wha..." I started, but the shock must have been too much, as soon as I started speak my dream started to fade, I was waking up.

My eyes snapped open to reveal, once again my off-white ceiling. I shoot up in my bed and look around, the last bits of day-light was seeping in around the edges of my black out curtains. Looking at my phone, I realized I had been asleep for the past 13 hours, I had another 3 before work started. I slowly got up out of bed and headed to the bathroom, wondering about what I had seen (or rather what I couldn't see) in my dream, and what it all meant. 

~*~

"Are you sure Jenn? I believe this new program could help you, truly. You know I've only ever had your best interest in mind," 

I was sitting in one of the sterile white rooms at my doctors office, I had come in to discuss my prescription and get a refill and he had brought up counselling again.

"Thank you Dr Alto, but I'll be fine." A fake smile sliding onto my face "I don't have time to commit to the sessions, I have to work" I replied meekly, not making eye contact, trying to look anywhere else in the room expect for at him.

"Sigh... Jenn, you know I have told you countless times to cut back on your hours. You haven't taken a day off since the accident, and I know money isn't an issue for you. Please at least consider this." I hadn't noticed that he had knelt down in front of me until I turned back, jumping a little bit in surprise at the sudden closeness. The pain in his eyes was evident, creating more crows feet than normal. Ever since my parents passed away he was the only one who still checked up on me, having his secretary (or sometimes himself) call in to make sure I was okay and that I was taking my prescriptions.

Dr Alto had been my doctor forever, he had been there during every part of my life, from delivering me, to performing the autopsy on my parents himself. I don't know if it was a feeling of duty to his doctorate code that made him keep tabs on me or if he felt pity for me. I knew I should of had more of an opinion about this but the lack of emotions I was housing wouldn't allow it.

"I can't" I replied, looking away from his face. "I need to keep myself distracted, and its pretty easy, I'll be fine" feigning my best 'I'm okay' smile.

Dr Alto gave a slight sigh and stood up, scribbling something on his square pad of prescription paper, ripping it off and handing it to me. "Here, we are going to try a higher dosage of this new brand, I've heard its been giving good results. Also I'm putting you on a meal replacement," his eyes glaring at me when he hears my audible sigh to new regime. "Don't even start missy, don't think I have noticed that you have lost more weight again. Weight you couldn't afford to lose. Call me if you have any side effects." 

I stood up and was about to leave "Please consider the counselling Jenn," the Doctor called. I turned, giving another weak smile and left the room. On my way out I set up another appointment with Stacey at the reception desk for a month from today, and after she threatened me to keep the appointment this time or she would come drag me there, I left the office, getting into my car and driving back home.

I had made myself a piece of toast with cheese whiz and was sitting in my bed listening to music. After eating half of it I set it back on my plate on the night stand and laid down, not even bothering to strip myself of my day clothes I wrapped myself up in my duvet, set my alarm on my phone and closed my eyes. Letting sleep claim me.

~*~

I had been asleep for less than an hour before my door bell and insistent knocking roused me from the void. With a grumble and a sigh, I get up to answer my door. Not expecting who it is, as no one visits. Not anymore.

"Jenn! You're alive!" There are arms around my all too frail waist in seconds. Knowing who it is from the voice I greet her back. "Good morning Emily, to what do I owe this pleasure?" Not even trying to hide the grogginess from my voice.

"Jenn, I'm in a crisis" She exclaims dramatically, arms waving around her petite frame so enthusiastically I fear she might take flight. "My concert is this weekend, and our lead has come down with strep throat. STREP THROAT, and after I asked everyone who I knew would do the part justice, no one could help! I did try to call first...." Her voice starts getting softer and slower as I start walking back from the door. Dead pan stare on my face. I start closing the door when her foot kicks it back open, slamming against my wall.

"My phone doesn't take calls..." Its not exactly a lie, I just have had it on do not disturb for the past 2 years. Returning only calls that show up in my voicemail and I deem needs a response.

"Well then don't be surprised when people start showing up then!" Emily started to come into the house and continue the lecture, until her eye caught sight of well the lack of things to look at.

Or sit on.

"J-Jen," Emily's voice starts to stammer, she continues softly, "Where did everything go?" I don't move as Emily into my living room, not taking her snow covered boots off mind you, and stands in the center of the room and stares at me. "WELL?!" She's starting to loose her patience, I walk to the door and close it before providing my answer curtly

"I sold it," My eyes never waiver, my expression the same as before, nothingness. The empty shell with nothing left, exhausted and tired already. I turn to head towards the kitchen before, unfortunately Emily is quick and she runs over to cut me off, catching my arms in her tiny hands. She lets go immediately, as if my are plagued and sadness overcomes her face. 

"Jenn..wh," 

"I'm not singing," I say, my tone neutral, "I said never again, and you of all people know that Emily." I wanted her gone 5 minutes ago, gone before she even got to my door. As a feeling of strong anxiety comes over me, "I wouldn't be able to anyway, in front of that many people? What about Isa?" I push past her into the kitchen and grab a cup from the cupboard. I can hear Emily stomping on the hardwood, following close behind me. "Isabella is paying the Lyre, you know how archaic that instrument is! How would I get a replacement in time, it's not..."

"I'll play it" I state calmly letting out an exasperated sigh, filling up my cup with some water from my pitcher in the fridge, "That way she can sing the lead." I turn back around and stare at her waiting for her answer. Emily stood in shock, then her face changed, you could she her weighing the options. She knew that she only had one shot, and that I wouldn't give her another chance to ask. 

"Fine, but you only have 2 days to practice. You know, you'll need to open up that room in order to do so right?" Her eyes glancing to the door at the other end of the living room. 

My heart dropped, I knew I would have to. I just didn't want it brought up, didn't want to make the situation real.

"I am aware, yes," Me face a mask of neutrality, inside my anxiety was almost at its breaking point. Ready to break down. "Send me the sheet music when you get home," I downed the rest of my water and place the glass in the sink. "Also if you book a hotel room for me there, that would be great," 

"You could always stay with me..." She doesn't finish her thought as the look on my face conveys that there was no way that was happening. I brush past her towards the front door. Emily is close on my heels, her short 5'1" frame dwarfed by my unusual height of 5"11. It didn't help the whole, looking like a skeleton, thing. I open up the front door and Emily takes her cue to step outside.

"Okay!, Thanks so much Jenn, really, I know this is hard for you to do..."

"Don't mention it, really. Don't. I'll use up my banked holiday days and take them off to practice. Now I must go and call work, I'll see you on Saturday" As I finish I slowly close the door on Emily, not harshly, but enough that she doesn't try to fight back.

"Okay! Thank you again!" A muffled call comes from the other side of the door. I wait there unmoving, until I hear her footsteps receding towards the road, her car start up, then drive away. I let out a pent up sigh, and turn to face the door I had tried desperately for years to forget. Pretending and convincing myself that it does not exist, that it never had. I slowly walk towards it, my brain screaming to turn away, to go back to the safety void. I try and calm myself, but with every step I take, it gets harder to breathe. My lungs getting caught up in the hurricane in my stomach until I realize I'm already standing at the the door. This's is the closest I have been since the accident. I try and take some deep breaths and reach for the handle, the knob showing resistance from its lack of use.

But after forcing a little further the door pops opens. I quickly snap my head forward and stare directly at the floor. I know this room like the back of my hand, engrained in so many painful - beautiful memories that I had buried deep inside. I still can't bring myself to take in the whole scene, but for Emily I could do at least this much. After everything she had put up with for these past 2 years, I owed her. Another deep breath, another step forward. I tune out my surroundings, moving around the objects arranged in the room. Trying not to step on papers left on the floor, covered in a healthy coating of dust. I reach the far back, right corner of the room and face the wall. Looking up to inspect the rack on the wall in front of me, I see I'm right at my prize. I take down the black lyre from the wall, blow off some dust, and swiftly retreat, all but slamming the door behind me.


	3. Winter Travels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> Thanks for everyone who commented, :) sorry for the delay in an update, I forgot it was my turn to DM for patherfinder this month and it was on Sunday D:
> 
> But here is the next addition! Thanks for the kudos! I can't believe the wonderful positivity of this community <3

True to her word, no more than an hour later I hear an email notification go off on my phone, PDF file attached. In the meantime I had spent my time cleaning up the instrument, tuning the strings that had long since lost their pitch, polishing the black stained mahogany to a brilliant shine. I had also called my work, informing them that I was taking a few days off. Their response was more than agreeable, urging me to take 2-3 weeks instead of just a few days. We settled on 2 and that was that. 

I shuffle to my computer and print off the sheet music, Music from the soundtrack of Beowulf, I sigh shaking my head, that explains the Lyre part. Walking back to my room, paper in hand I sit cross legged on my bed, and my fingers lightly start picking away at the piece in front of me. To anyone who didn't know better it would sound as if I never stopped playing, easily flowing across the strings and breathing to life the music. It always came too easy for me, such a waste on someone like me, my thoughts becoming morose. I have the 2 main songs I'm needed for memorized and perfected by that evening. I had also started to try and memorize my other accompaniment parts, but repeating the same lines over and over was starting to get too mundane. Getting up, I place the lyre on my dresser and walk back to my bed. This has been the longest I've been awake in a long time, other than for work. Also it feels as if my nerves are so shot, from Emily's surprise visit, that they may never recover. Body aching, I entangle myself in my soft warm nest, not bothering to turn on music and let myself get swept away by the sleep I desperately needed. A deep, dreamless, sleep.

~**~

Hours later, my mind rested, I pull myself into the darkness again. A little more timid this time, I don't close my eyes and I stay perfectly still. Complete silence is deafening, almost painful, but in a good way. Still, I don't hear anyone shuffling, or see a glimpse of movement. After a few uneventful minutes, I play up the previous ordeal to my imagination, and start back in to my old routine, singing to myself. This place, here, this is where I sing. I hope that wherever they are in the blackness that my song is reaching them.

"Perfect," 

I scream and jump away from the direction the voice once again came from. Landing on my rear, I shuffle backwards in the blackness until I hid what feels like a brick wall.

"No. Please! I mean no harm." The voice was quick to soothe "Its just.... your voice, I heard your singing while wandering and was drawn to find the source" There is no malice in his voice, sincerity in every word. Its taking all of my concentration to stay in the void. To keep my fear from waking me, to stay asleep.

"Okay, so here's the thing," I say back in the direction of my visitor "I don't sing for anyone, not even weird...imaginary.... voices.... in my brain. Oh my god I'm starting to talk to myself." I start to mutter into my hands. "I'm loosing it, but hey that is why I'm here in the first place." I pull my face from my hands and look out into the darkness speaking louder. "But you should know that, seeing as you are in my head and all." I place my hand back over my face, a reflex that obviously serves no purpose in the void. "Weirdest fucking dream. I knew I should have told Emily no..."

"Ah, I see," The voice responds. His curt reply is only redeemed by the silkiness of his voice, "You think I am merely an illusion, a dream, nothing more," His voice starts to take on a hint of matter-fact-ness that hit a nerve, irritation. An inkling of an emotion seeping up from the locked away box deep inside. 

"Well, what else could you be? You can't be real, I'm asleep, I'm dreaming!" 

"But what if I was just... myself?"

All at once the irritation I felt is snapped back into its cage, and there I was, empty and left with that cliffhanger of a question. Without another word I feel myself being forcibly pushed out of my void and into the waking world. I shoot up straight in bed for the second time this week, taking in air as though I was holding my breath. I take time to look around as I try to catch my breath. But there's nothing, just as before. Everything is the same as I left it. My confusion only growing, I go back to bed irritated by my own thoughts. They had to be my own thoughts...I have to be going crazy....

The voice never returns to the void.

~*~

"Uggghhh so sore," Getting out of my car at a gas station on the highway, I place my hands on my lower back and stretch. At this point, my journey to where Emily was holding this shin-dig, had taken me 5 hours, and it was about 6pm. Not late by any means, but late enough this time of year to already be dark out. Even darker with the ever constant blizzard, that show no signs of letting up, I had been driving through. Stepping up to the pump I adjust my black argyle lulu sweater and readjust my hood over my head to try and keep my hair out of my face. 

I start pumping gas as I think to myself. If the weather was clear, I would only be an hour away from my destination from here, but due to the flurries it was anyones guess. Waiting for my tiny car with gas I picked up someone speaking in French. Not uncommon in Canada, It was one of the first languages I learned before going to school. As I remove the nozzle and go to pay for my gas, I catch the tail end of the conversation the French speakers were having,

"..... roads are probably going to be closed, I don't think the plough can through down there"

"Looks like we might have to take a room at the hotel at the off ramp, why don'cha call ahead and see if they got any rooms available?"

How much worse could the roads get? I groan inwardly to myself, really regretting not staying at home today, as Arnold would say. Tearing my receipt off and closing my gas cap, I hop back into the tiny silver Mazda and make my way back to the highway to follow the snow tracks in the road left by other travellers.

~**~

Hours later I see the sign for my exit and with a slight sigh of relief I follow it off the highway. My car fishtails slightly as I step on the breaks a little too hard and my car slides about 2 feet past the stop sign. Panic starts to leak from the box, anxiety rising up from deep within me. Memories that I had buried deep, locked away, start to resurface and flicker in my mind. Not the time, not the place... I berate myself, shaking the uneasiness from my mind. Checking my GPS, I step on the accelerator cautiously and take another right onto the road that will lead me to my destination. Only another 70 km and I would be nice and cozy in my hotel room, I would be able to go to sleep and put this whole ordeal behind me. I took another deep breath and kept repeating it, trying to convince myself of its validity.

But it wasn't to last long, as the snow started falling thicker and thicker, my panic started to rise with it, escaping past rusted locks and tight seals. I hated driving in the snow, I hated driving at night. I should have just told her no, why did I have to push myself to do this. I want to go home... While lost in my panic I see out of the corner of my eye, my phone screen flicker and go out. "What the hell?" Looking over I reach to hit the home button but the phone doesn't respond, I check to make sure its plugged in and charging, it is. "Oh come on," I beg desperately, trying to look at the road and mess with my stupid phone at the same time. "I don't need this right now....AHHH!" I scream as a large dog runs out into the road, without thinking I violently yank the steering wheel to the left to avoid it, and my car slides and fish tails into the left hand lane. But sadly before I could even take a breath after screaming, there is just enough time for me to look out of the driver side window and see a set of headlights coming straight at me, only a few feet away. With no time to react, I open my mouth to scream a second time, but I don't even get the chance before my world goes black.

Then nothing.

~**~

Burning.  
No not burning.  
Cold, sharp, and numbing.

I slowly come to face first in what I can only assume is a snow and ice mix. I slowly roll my head to the side and lay it back down and with a slight groan try to open my eyes. My whole body hurt, places I didn't know could hurt, hurt. Even though everything was blurry it had stopped snowing, that much was certain, I could see the faint blur of what I assume were trees in the distance and the birds fluttering between them. It was light out, by the intensity, either early morning or early evening. It was hard to say as my brain was trying to wrap around what was going on.

Have I been out here all night? I should have frozen to death. Then it dawned on me that the other person might be out here as well, I jerk up onto my hands and knees to start looking around and instantly regret it as my whole body protests and I fall back into the slush on my side. Oh fuck no, please be okay, please be okay! But my thought process was cut off as the scene around me finally clicked, this time I sat up slowly and leaned back against my hands.

My car was no where to be found, beside me lay my cellphone and my small sport backpack I used as a purse. But no car, no glass, no sign of a crash. I look around as the once blurry landscape is clear, my mouth hangs agape in wonder. Around me is a beautiful mountain landscape merging with a lush forest. Picture perfect, one might say. Greens so green that my eyes had a hard time comprehending the hues, the mountains were so intimidating and lard I had to crane my head way back to see the snowy peaks. The air was so fresh and clean I could swear I was high on all the oxygen my brain was getting. I pick up my cell phone and check to see if it will work this time. It snaps to life, battery at 89% with zero bars, zero LTE, nothing. I try moving it around doing the phone signal dance but end up with nothing. With a sigh I decide to conserve battery life and turn it off. Taking my cell I put it in the pocket of my sweater, opening my bag I see that all my things are in there and close it back up. I was so caught up admiring the scenery, and collecting my things, I didn't hear the group of people approaching behind me until one of their shadows cast over my eyes.

I spin around and try to shuffle backwards away from my visitors, but my ungraceful nature and malnourished body deceive me, causing my legs to slip out from under me before I could even get a few feet away. Without any other option I turn to meet my aggressors head on, but I'm instantly blinded by the rising sun, causing the people in front of me appear dark and blurry. As my eyes try to refocus the people a few feet away start talking, at me? At each other? Its hard to say, the words sound almost like English, picking up pieces here and there. But its more Germanic and harsher sounding. I try and decipher what they are saying until my heart drops.

As the first person comes into focus and I feel my soul leave my body. Its like I'm watching myself from above. In front of me stand Cassandra, Cassandra Pentaghast from that video game my Dad and I used to play. I more watch than feel the hysterical laughter start to rise from my chest. Cassandra looks as shocked and confused as I feel at my apparent hysterics. In my mental breakdown I fail to notice Cole and Varric approach, seemingly to ask Cassandra what was going on. 

Iv'e lost my mind. Either I'm dead or I have lost my mind. Could this be a dream maybe? I haven't dreamt about anything in so long it's hard to tell... Even during my internal debate, my hysterics only increase, tears streaming readily down my face, my breath coming farther and farther apart as I laugh and cry myself slowly to death. I start to lay down on my side in the snow as my on lookers occasionally talk amongst themselves but mostly watch in confusion and slight horror and I continue to laugh, cry and hyperventilate. The ground shakes under me with the sound of heavy footsteps, through my tears I look up to see a great horned grey blob stand over me. All at once I stop, his voice is gruff as he talks to me in the same weird language as before. As The Iron Bull comes into focus, I feel my world grow dark and cold as I pass out, had I been holding my breathe? Maybe from shock? I couldn't tell, but it was the last thing that ran through my mind as my sickly thin frame falls lightly all the way back into the snow as darkness finally claims its hold on me.

What the hell was going on?

~**~

"Well," Varric snorts, trying to stifle a chuckle, "Thats one of the more dramatic reactions we have had to the big guy here" Face starting to go red from the strain

"I do not think it was just our friend here that caused such a... display" Cassandra remarks almost tiredly, seeming done with the day already. Iron Bull takes no notice in the conversation behind him, bending down to take a closer look at the small form in front of him. Her eyes were sunken, skin stretched taught over prominent cheek bones wet with tears, the rest of her skin dull, and whiter than the snow she had fallen upon, in some spots translucent.

"Dark, so much of it, breathing, stretching, tasting. Feelings start to bubble and boil, hurt, fear, pain, must take them. Dull the hurt, the pain, the fear. Dark. Yes please dark, hold me, keep it away, keep it quiet"

The whole party stop to turn and stare at Cole, who had appeared over the girls body opposite Bull. Cole had wrapped his arms around himself and slowly rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, not once taking his eyes off of the lithe form in front of him. This only confirmed Bulls suspicions, and without another word from his comrades his lifts her from the snow, and heads back towards his mount. Cole follows behind as wordlessly as Bull, Varric looks to Cassandra and with nothing more than a shrug, silently follow. Bull shifts the girl to rest in the crook of his left arm, and easily swings up into his mount. Leading their party in an easy, silent trot. Until Varric couldn't help himself and broke the silence.

"Even as strong as you are Tiny, are you sure you'll be able to carry her all the way like that?" A few hours had past since their first encounter with the laughing woman in the snow , their track back to Skyhold had resumed but they still had a few hours to go. Bull chuckles slightly, though there is a hidden tone of sadness only those who know him would be able to see. "Trust me when I say Varric, despite her height she is light. Lighter than any other creature I've ever seen."


	4. Stranger in the Audience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Sorry for the late update, life has been hectic with work and I'm starting to get ready for my 2nd full time summer job. (Hopefully I survive) so please dont worry if updates are slow from April to August, its just because im working myself to death :P
> 
> If there are any typos or if you have any suggestion feel free to comment or message me! It really helps me come up with ideas!
> 
> Thanks Again :3

Where was I? The world was blurry, and focusing took a while, but finally my surroundings came into focus. Looking around I can see people running around, hectic looks on their faces. My eyes focus and I recognize everyone there, friends, classmates, students of my mothers music class, this felt all so familiar, like déjà but. But as sound comes and starts to become clear I realize someone is talking to, at, me.

"Jenny, hello? Earth to Jenny?!" Emily comes into focus in the front of my face, "Come on Jenny, there we are. You need to stay focused tonight! This is for both our futures remember?" The grin on her face is infectious. I shake my head, realizing where I am. Its the night of the concert, Emily's first orchestral performance. Emily was a talented musician, but with her headstrong personality she slid into a conductor role well, and this was the night that all her hard work and dedication had mounted to. 

"The recording system has been set up and tested like you ask, this is it. You ready?" Emily's face is glowing with excitement and positivity.   
"Absolutely," I reply, matching grin lighting up my face. To my right I see the stage, everyone was starting to take their places. My mother sitting at the piano, looking back to me and giving a reassuring thumbs up. Mom. My stomachs sinks, and I feel a sharp pain in my chest and my eyes start to well up with tears. What is this? Why do I feel such... despair? I start to space out again as I try to solve why my emotions are playing up, I don't notice that the choir had all taken their place and looked over to where Emily and I were hiding behind the curtains

"Lets go!" Emily grabbed my hand, snapping me back to the moment at hand, and lead us quickly to the front of the curtain, while I tried my best not to trip over the flowing garment of the dress she had forced me to wear. When we made it to the microphone in the middle of the stage my stomach was a bundle of knots, we were met with the applaud of family and friends. Emily, not one to care too much as what people thought of her started the opening words.

"Good evening esteemed guests. Tonight you have been invited to witness the hard work of myself and my dear friend Jenny Mathews." Another roar of applause as I give a slight curtesy, I can feel my face burning, at least it would match the shade of the dress. "Tonight we are doing a 'cover' so to speak of a favourite song of ours. The twist being is that Jenny has translated the song to a different language for her linguistics class. Trust me when I say that it has only enhanced the overall emotion of the piece. For any translation questions please refer to the brochure you received at the door. Now without further ado, let us begin," Emily finishes with a flourish of a bow, then takes my hand to assist me in another curtesy. 

As I raise, the curtains are opened behind me and Emily walks me to my spot on the left, standing in front of the choir, dressed like myself but not as elaborate. The orchestra assembled in the middle of the stage, and my mother on the far right. I look over to her and we make eye contact, pride burns in her eyes as she looks back at me, and I can't help but smile. I look to the crowd and find my father, beaming at me, and eyes full of pride for both of us. I look to Emily and nod, ready to start. She in turn nods back and with a look to my mother starts to move her baton in jerking exaggerated motions. At the 8th count my mother starts playing the piano, orchestra close behind. After the short orchestral intro, I feel my voice more than hear it, trying my best with the hard pronunciation of some of the words. 

"Here we are, Riding the sky. Painting the night with sun, You and I, Mirrors of light. Twin flames of fire, Lit in another time and place,"

My voice echoes, though the words are not English as the original song was written, Elvhen slipping from my lips. Giving the already ethereal song, even more depth, another note of grace. As the chorus comes in and the choir behind me joins in English, I glimpse back at the crowd and meet eyes with a stranger. Someone I know who shouldn't be there, Solas. This causes me to stumble and I blink rapidly. The crowd shifts from loving faces to those of hatred, melting to fangs and claws. The music becomes distorted, I look to Emily to see her form melt away, hair melting into a hood, face melting away until nothing but teeth remain. 

I scream and turn to run, only to be bound by those in the choir behind me. Their hands grasping too tight, clawing, cutting. I scream louder, calling for my mother and father to help me. Tears streaming down my face, lungs hungry and desperate for the air that wont come. I call for my mother again and look back, but what I see stops the scream in my throat and I all but give up struggling. Her body faces the piano, but her head is bent in an unnatural way, looking back at me. Her jaw hangs off by just a few scraps of tendon, her right eye starts to melt from its socket. The quiet gurgling as she tries to draw in breath is deafening, the way mothers body convulses is sickening. I watch in quiet horror, tears streaming down my cheeks, I don't even notice the despair demon approaching. I remember now, "You.... you died, just like..." The words quiver and tremble in my throat.

I feel a freezing cold aura approach me, I turn to look at the demon when it is no more then a few inches from me, my face devoid of emotions. I await my fate without struggle, it raises a clawed hand to bring an end to my suffering when I feel a tug deep on my soul. 2 more light tugs until I am forcefully pulled from the scene, it feels like having my face stuck out the window of a speeding car. Deafening, blurs of colour and light fly by until it stops. Im back in my darkness, the noise is gone, the demon is gone. Im alone again. I didn't realize I had been holding my breath until the burn in my chest reminds me. I wait. Wait for something to happen, for something to appear but nothing. I'm back in my abyss. The tears slowly fall from my eyes as I lay down on my side. I'm all at once too tired to deal with the emotions trying to surface after years of dormancy, and I force myself to fall asleep into a dreamless slumber.

~**~ 

 

It was her. Solas sat in shock at the edge of the deepest part of the fade. Before him lay a blackness, so dark that it made your bones ache, and even those who call themselves gods quake in fear. The void. This is where he had first hear her voice all those years ago, back before everything started. Back before the rebellion, when he was wolf more than man. Why now? After all this time? Hearing her only a handful of times before, her songs always called to him from the void, and after a few times of just listening patiently at the edge, he decided to call back. There was no reply and her song did not return for almost one hundred years. This time she answered back, calling him a fake, her imagination. More filled with sorrow then anger, there was no way to prove his statement, there would be no coming back if he ventured into the void.

But after that day, Solas never heard her song again. Often waiting for weeks by the edge of the void for her song to return, a chance to speak with her again. But none ever came, and he awoke from his long slumber and endured the events that ultimately lead him to the inquisition. They had been at Skyhold for a few months when he felt an odd shift in the fade. Looking up from his desk Solas paused in thought, then left the rotunda to his quarters to venture the fade in search of this disturbance. Expecting to find nothing more than maybe a few restless spirits, he was shocked to not only hear her voice again, but there was a presence as well. Solas rushed through the fade to find its source, all but tripping into what appeared to be a dream, that was ripped and bleeding through to the fade. As he looked around, everything caught his eye and caused slews of questions he knew would most likely go unanswered. But as much as he could gather it seemed to be a concert of sort, looking on stage to see some instruments that looked familiar and those that looked quite alien to him. Following the crowd composing of only shems, he sat down in one of the springy seats, startling him slightly when it sprung back up at him as he tried to put the seat down. 

Solas continued to look around and wait patiently as 2 young women came onto the stage, and the room was deafened with applause and cheering. The dark hair girl in pants and a tailored jacket of sorts, spoke in a language Solas had never heard before, motioning towards the girl with intensely bright purple and blue hair, dressed in a flowing red silk gown, Jenny. Solas could make out the name through the rest of the words, he was sure of it. Lost in analyzing the brightly coloured girl and maybe staring for too long, before he knew it the music had started. Beautiful melodies and sounds, Solas closed his eyes and enjoyed the moment, trying to commit the moment to memory. Every detail, every note, as they were. Until he heard her voice, eyes snapping open, Solas looked frantically towards the stage and found the source. The young woman in Red. Her eyes made contact with his, and at that moment she stopped singing, and started screaming. Looking around, Solas had failed to notice the despair demon entering, and as Jenny had stopped screaming and lay limply on stage he reached out to her aura and clutching onto her soul forced it back to the only place he knew she was ok, a place she felt safe. He forced her soul into the void, the shock and power causing her dream to collapse around him. Solas looked around himself and a small tight smile formed at the corner of his mouth. It was his little spot by the edge of the void, the one he waited countless hours for her return. Looking into the darkness Solas started to worry if she was alright, if he had made the right choice, he sat down on the ledge. As he was about to let out a sigh he heard it, a slight cry, a hiccup and a cracking voice. Listening to it closely he realized that it was her. She was sobbing, so weak and faint, as if she had given up. 

Solas felt a slight rise in his stomach, until he stoped himself and shook his head. Even though she is suffering, I'm happy to know the right choice was made.

And so there he sat, listening to her sorrow through the fade, until he felt her presence leave, and his fears went with it.


	5. The Yellow Pony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the super delayed update, its kinda sloppy and not exactly where I want it to be, but working 2 full time jobs leaves me very little time to brain storm >.< any suggestions are always appreciated!! Im back to only 40 hours a week starting August, so I hope to have more time to really get going on this story :)
> 
> Thanks <3

On their way back to Skyhold, Iron Bull was startled by the soft angelic singing the girl in his arms had started mumbling while in her unconscious state. He was startled once again when it suddenly escalated into screaming, and weak, but violent, thrashing. Just as the Iron Bull had stopped his mount and was about to better restrain the wriggly boney girl, before she fell from his grip, she stopped and became limp as suddenly as it had started. The only sign of her previous struggle were the tears staining her pale cheeks. During the ordeal Iron Bull had failed to notice that Varric, with an oddly perched Cole on the rear of Varric’s mount, had stopped up ahead and were staring back to them, concern their faces. 

"Everything okay back there Tiny?" Varric called back to him, as Cassandra pulled up to Iron Bulls side. "Is the girl ill?" Cassandra asked, no concern in her voice, if anything a slight irritation, probably due to this unexpected stop.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Not a complete lie on Bulls part, but not revealing his assumptions either. As he spoke Bull reached behind him into his pack for a blanket to wrap the girl in. They were just about to start up into the mountains towards Skyhold, he didn't want to risk another episode and this time maybe let her slip into one of the many chasms the paths to Skyhold skirted. Plus, it was cold and Bull was pretty sure she would start shivering soon, even with the blanket. Once the girl was wrapped up tightly, like a butterfly in a caccoon, the party restarted their trek in silence. 

*~*

“JENN!” Emily sat up in bed with a start, tears hot and burning in her eyes. Realizing that it was nothing but a nightmare she started to cry. “What, what's wrong?” A groggy Ryan croaked beside her, “you ok?” Emily’s husband sat up slowly, letting the blankets fall from his torso as he pulled a weeping Emily slowly into his embrace.

After a few minutes of sobbing and hiccuping, Emily responded with a weak and shaky voice. “I was dreaming about my first concert, you remember the one?” She asked inquisitively, Ryan confirmed with a simple nod. “Jenny was there singing, and then …” another few sobs, “this thing came from the crowd and killed her. There was so much blood Ryan, there's no way she could have….” Emily's explanation was cut off as she started weeping into his chest again. Ryan sighed, hugging her tightly and slowly rocking back and forth. It had been almost 5 weeks since Emily's best friends disappearance. They had found the wreckage of her car, buried under 3 feet of snow in a ditch only 3 km away from her hotel, but no sign of Jenn. With no family left Emily had taken on all responsibility of Jenn’s affairs, from notifying her work to leading the search party in the surrounding snow covered woods.

Earlier today Emily’s meeting with local police had been stressful, as they kept hinting on the idea that with Jenny’s poor health, that it may be time to start making arrangements. Since she had come home Emily hadn’t spoken, silently walking by Ryan in his office and heading straight to bed.

“Sweetie, you are doing everything you can. We’ll find her okay,” Ryan slowly pulled Emily back to look into her tear stained face. “I promise we will do all we can to find her.” Ryan tried to place a faint smile on his lips, one of reassurance. It was must have been convincing enough, as Emily returned the faint smile, mouthing a soundless thank you before rolling onto her side and going back to sleep.

Looking down at his sleeping wife Ryan let out another sigh. It hurt him to see Emily, usually so bright, bubbly and happy, turning into a shell of her former self. He knew she blamed herself for Jenn’s disappearance, “If I never had asked her to come in the first place she would still be here,” she had once told him. Though he had tried, he couldn't convince her otherwise.

Ryan laid back down, pulling the covers up snugly over Emily and himself, and with an arm around her waist, pulled her tiny frame against him and before long Emily was back asleep, snoring softly.

But sleep wouldn't come to Ryan easily. Mind reeling with ways he could help Emily and the search for her wayward friend.

Where could she have gone? 

*~*

It was cold again, yet soft..

As I regained consciousness, again, I had a faint hope that when I opened my eyes, I would be in my bed wrapped up in my blanket, with my bland walls and ceiling to greet me. Instead I was face to face with a thickly muscled chest. You would think that waking up nose to peck of a giant grey… man?….quinari?…would bother me, but the thing that bothered me the most was the smell. The strong smell of animals, manure, urine, fires, death and everything unsavoury thing you could imagine rolled up into an offensive perfume that slapped you in the face without warning. 

As I inhaled again, the urge to vomit hit me like a truck, I quickly turned my head away from Bull’s chest and proceeded to vomit and dry heave the few contents of my stomache onto the front of Iron Bulls mount, to which it sounded like he let our a curse and then yelled, notes of frustration and concern in his voice. If he said anything to me I didn’t catch it, my mind focusing on the snap I heard and felt in my chest after dry heaving for the 30th time. Closing my eyes, I held back the tears of pain that were threatening to overflow and focused on the conversations around me. Most were in that Germanic language that I had heard them speak before, a few in a type of French that was very similar to the kind they speak in Paris, and a few words here in there in Elvhen that I could understand clear as day.

I had stopped dry heaving for less than a minute when I was jostled out of Iron Bulls arms into another set, I couldn’t help the cry of pain that escaped my lips. The pain in my rib area exploded as whoever took over from Bull started speaking quickly and frantically, and soon I was placed on what felt like a cot, or hammock of some kind. When I opened my eyes again I caught a glimpse of the person who brought me to what I could only assume was a tent of some sorts. Blonde hair, surrounded by a mantle of ruddy brown fur left the tent, Cullen.

I took time taking in my surroundings, it was a modest size tent, brown with no windows and what seemed to be door of sorts. The smell, although still offensive, was not a potent, and there was a minty medicinal smell that helped mask it. I wasn't alone in this tent, counting 2 others in the confines that surrounded me. To my right was a man head to toe in off white, sullied, bandages with a lady in white hovering her hands over uncovered parts of skin. I could feel and see an energy leaving her palms in waves of white and blue, soft and powdery almost. 

I was so distracted watching the healer work that I didn’t even notice when a hand was placed softly in mine, I jumped with a start, quickly pulling her arm away, causing her to wince in pain and grab at her ribs. Looking to see who the offender of her space was, her eyes were met with the brim of a very large hat, whips of blonde hair escaping from under it, Cole. 

~*~

“What is wrong with her?” Cassandra asked Bull as he walked towards the rotunda, hot on his heels, not waiting for a reply before asking again, “Do you know her?” To this Bull replied, “No” and he opened the door to the rotunda to find Solas sitting at his desk, looking over this skull shard the inquisitor found on his last expedition. “What if she is a threat, did you see how she was dressed? Its…. not normal,” Cassandra sputtered, very shook up about the girl they found on the road.

Iron Bull turned back to face Cassandra and answered “If you think that skeleton of a girl could be any harm to us, your in the wrong line of work seeker,” Cassandra huffed and turned and marched back out of the Rotunda. “Well, I assume that my skills are required if you saw it fit to finished your argument here,” Solas spoke to Bull, not once looking away from the piece he was studying. With a slight chuckle Bull turned back “Well, I wasn’t arguing, she just thought it fit to chase me down,” At this Solas looked up with one eyebrow raised accusingly. “Hey don’t look at me that was, listen” Bull walked towards the desk and sat down in the chair opposite, leaning back. “We did find this girl on our trip, but there is something wrong with her,” Bull sighed and Solas put away the shard, giving Bull his full attention.

“When we first found her, she was just sitting there in the snow, staring and looking around like she was dazed. Then when she saw us she had a laughing fit until she fainted,” Bull looked over to Solas to gauge his reaction, his eyebrows were slightly knitted together but still not funny intrigued. “And then on our way back the strangest thing happened, she started singing in his sleep, then she had what felt like a seizure, and when we got back she threw up all over my horse,” Bull grumbled, remembering the lecture he received from Dennet when he returned the horse covered in bile.

“Sounds like the girl is ill but that does not sound like something that the healers could not handle,” Solas finally commented picking up a rather large tome from beside his desk. Opening the cover and starting on the first page. “Just come see her will ya? Put my mind at ease,” Iron Bull asked, standing up from his chair and walking towards the rotunda door. He stopped before turning the knob, “She sang in elvhen by the way, sounded extremely fluent for a human, thought you might find that interesting,” And with his last words he opened the door to the great hall and left. With a slight roll of his eyes and a begrudging sigh, he closed the book and got up to follow Bull.

Bull led Solas to the tent that Bull had seen Cullen deposit the girl, opening the tent flap he let Solas go in first before following and almost running into his back. “Why’d ya stop?” Bull asked, but Solas never responded. Solas just stood there unmoving, starting at the girl laying in the cot who was in turn staring at Cole. The girl smiled ever so slightly before looking towards the door, seeing Solas and Bull enter.


End file.
